I was affected by the Twitter layoff after Elon Musk acquired the company. But a number of other things happened in my life around this time. The past few months have been one of the most challenging times since I was old enough to drive. To give a sense of what it was like, from the end of January 2023 to mid-May 2023, I was probably crying every business day. I come from Korea so my business days are from Monday to Sunday.

Before jumping in, I want to thank the people who supported me with Facetime, cups of coffee, cigarettes by the river, and more. I can’t list each and every one of them here, but should mention some at the least. So thank you to Kyle(건우) Kim, Cristhian Munoz, Dimitri Abadie, Peter(성운) Si, and last but not least, mom and dad.

In January 2023, my team in Dublin was put on redundancy. We were most likely on track to be laid off. After we were put on redundancy, there was a list of things to do, such as collective consultation, deciding what to do with my pension scheme in Ireland, deciding whether to continue health insurance out of my own pocket, whether to stay in Dublin to do the job search or to go back home. Going through a layoff is a logistical nightmare in addition to the stress and anxiety that comes with it.

I felt so much anger after getting my layoff email. It was announced that there will be no more layoffs by Elon, and even in this chaos, I really tried hard to write code. I moved all the way from Korea to Dublin for this job and at some point was excited that Elon Musk was going to lead the company. As controversial as he is, as a young software engineer, I thought building something was a great opportunity to grow. But this ship sailed as I was laid off. The joke was I took a 22-hour flight from Korea back to Dublin in January, and it took fewer hours than that after I arrived to get my redundancy notification.

I took about two weeks off which I spent reading, going on a road trip, and deciding how to do the job prep. I had to choose my priorities such as what kind of company I wanted to move to, if I want to stay in Dublin for the next job, if I want to fly back home for my job hunt, etc. I decided to stay in Dublin until I got a job. In 2021, I did my job hunt for Europe while I was in Korea, forcing me to have interviews at strange times. I figured it would be better to stay within the same time zone. Initially, I thought I would end up with a job in 2 months. My rent was 1300 EUR, so I was burning 3000 EUR with substantial bills, but worth paying for a good job offer. I had no clue how long this would end up taking, and it did end up taking much longer.

In the beginning, I interviewed with companies that reached out to me after I posted about my layoff on LinkedIn. But these companies usually needed a senior level as they hire fewer people. It took quite some time to start getting interviews from companies that were a better fit. 2023 was the year of tech layoffs, and I could really feel how more difficult it was to get interviews compared to less than a year before. I studied Leetcode, System design, and brushed up on language syntax while updating my resume. By early April I started getting first-round interviews at tech companies based in London and Dublin.

In April 2023, my grandfather passed away and I had to catch a last-minute flight to Korea. I had 5 interviews scheduled that week and at the airport, I was writing emails to recruiters asking if I can postpone the interviews while checking the fastest route to the funeral from the airport. My priorities naturally rearranged themselves. As stressful as this was, it gave me a clarification of no matter how career-oriented I could be, some things always come before.

The funeral was tough. I was jet-lagged and tired from the 26 hours of flight(3, with 2 layovers) followed by the whole day of the funeral. I caught the 3rd day and as the oldest man present down the family tree, I was one of the people carrying his body for the last time, and burying his remains in the ground. I had all these imaginary conversations that I wished I had with him in these last few moments. My grandfather was a pastor and a calm, witty man. He was also a fisherman, a ping pong player, a father to three women, and a loving husband who took care of his sick wife for more than a decade.

I think the last few weeks after coming back from the funeral, my mind was not in Dublin. I was still back in Korea, missing home, friends, and my mom. I was on anti-depressants, sleeping pills, and smoking to compensate for my lack of appetite. I had a bad breakup amidst all of this while trying to re-organize my interviews, check in on my mom, check in with myself, and deal with all the emotions that come post-breakup. Ironically, all this felt alright. I was okay with being depressed, having insomnia, being heartbroken, and more. I couldn’t be okay with the idea of failing to become the son who brings good news to his mom, waiting for my call that I am done with job hunting. This kept me going. All these issues that I was dragging along just felt insignificant and all that mattered was doing well on whatever my following interview was. At some point in being an adult, life just teaches you that responsibility should come before happiness, and this was one of those moments. And you have to learn how to fulfill your responsibilities with what you have, not what you hoped for.

These past months have taught me to be grateful. I might be an immigrant with no job far from home, but Twitter was still giving me some kind of severance package, I had amazing friends and mentors who helped me with the job search, and all these other things that put me to what it takes to still get interviews in this situation. I know, not just as a fact, but because I saw every day of my 250 days of deployment, that there are Palestinian refugees looking for food for their children in trash piles. The pressure they feel daily is much more significant than the pressure I feel doing interviews. So I realized how grateful I should be and dealing with pressure became easier after I realized this.

I also learned how important people are. At the worst of times, people need other people. Whether it is to get specific tips for an interview, get feedback on my resume, or for pure moral support, there is nothing comparable to what my loved ones gave me throughout this whole process. So I learned how to be thankful, to cherish these, and to try my best to return what I was given.

I am still young, weak, and dumb. I am lucky, grateful, and loved.